Andrealistic

Grocery freshness

2008-10-30T02:48:00.000-07:00

Grocery freshness

The sense of freshness...

A new supermarket opened in Brookings. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

2007 Headlines!

2008-10-21T02:45:00.000-07:00

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Oklahoma's construction program!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Scarborough Poo

2008-10-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

Scarborough Poo
On a highly charged geography field trip to Scarborough when I was 14, a friend of mine was slightly drunk and decided to piss out of his hotel window onto the proprietor’s patio below. Stunned by this remarkable act of bravado, we dared our friend to shit out of the window the following night, a challenge which he duly responded to by dropping a staggering load from his 4th floor room, making somewhat of a pat on the hotel managers paving below. The following night we were all called into the dining area where our teacher quizzed us as to why the hotel proprietor had slipped over whilst pacing around his patio at night, on what he confessed to the teacher as being a fried egg (???). At which point my friend, blinded by the sheer ignorance of the managers mistake, quite foolishly claimed “it wasn’t an egg, it was a poo!”. My teacher didn’t have the heart to tell the manager, but made my friend apologise and write 20 sides of lines of “it wasn’t an egg, it was a poo” and have each signed by his parents.